Emotional Breakdown and Burn Out!
Dear LOVING Friends and Family,

I feel the inevitable (for me) has happened and I can honestly say I did not see it coming (at all).  Apparently some of my closest friends and family have been praying for me (as I now find out) in this regard though. 

Last night around 11 pm, my dear, poor husband experienced the brunt of an emotional breakdown that I guess has been building up in me.  I am tired (exhausted, actually) after not sleeping well since I was admitted to the hospital and it has finally caught up with me...in a very bad way.  (By the way, sleeping pills have not helped me much at all).  I poured my heart out to Mike as best I could when in my sorry state last night.  And, it's unbelievable to me that as a man, he finally got it.  He really listened, acknowledged, and heard me out.  And I can tell now (by an e-mail he composed to me this morning) that he knows me and gets me SO well.

We have been contacted by SO many family and friends through e-mail, phone calls, cards, gifts, flowers, donations, meals...the list goes on and on.  It is OVERwhelming.  However, if I had not heard from anybody or less people, I think it would scare the crap out of me.  But, instead of just taking in the love and support and trying to rest and take care of my family, I have gone the total opposite direction this past week while intensely planning Lydia's service and now afterwards.  I have this weird (almost crippling) innate need to try to respond to almost every little e-mail and phone call that I receive.  I am being too selfless (I have finally figured out) during a time that is supposed to be selfish or just needs to be about ME, Mike and Alex.    It's like I can't help myself (when I am up at 3am) and reply to like 5 e-mails at that time...and pour my heart out and minister? to others.  It's who I have always been, but I'm really hurting myself at this time in my life by continuing this pattern!  I realized yesterday when Alex got back from his grandparents after a couple of days that I am taking away from him and I need to play with him and be his mommy.  I need to do laundry (I do!  I want to) and rest when I can.  I need to stay connected to my husband.  And all of the correspondence that I FELT I needed to do was taking away from what I need to be for my family and to get healthy.

Please know that I care so deeply for all of you.  That probably sounds weird to you.  I NEVER knew I could experience love like this for friends...or anyone other than my son, husband, and immediate family.  Truly.  Most of you know I am a "baby" Christian (accepted Christ as my Lord and personal savior while at a Women's Retreat in Lafayette in March, pregnant in April).  I feel the need to say that when you gained ONE closer friendship in me during my pregnancy (or this past week!), try multiplying that number by 50 for me...I feel like I have gained (at least) 50 new sisters in Christ.  I say this not to make you feel less important to me because you really are ALL important and special to me, but just to put this into perspective for you a little.

None of you have done ANYTHING wrong by contacting me (and I think most of you have made it clear to me that there is no need to respond to your e-mail or phone call).  I have done this TO MYSELF, I guess.  And I would be upset if you did not continue to contact me, at least by e-mail, after this posting.  Just please don't expect a response (not that you ever did...again, it was my crippling problem).  I may have the phone off the hook or just really be monitoring calls (finally) a lot more after today.  It's just what I have to do and I hope you understand. 

I say all of this...but I do want to mention something as far as meals that have been lovingly arranged for me ( by my "personal assistant" and dear friend, Jessica).  We are still accepting and in need of meals as are arranged, unless I have already contacted you about not needing one a certain day or unless something has come up and I need to call you the day you're scheduled to bring it!!  I mean this!!

I feel the need to leave you (with Mike's permission) with an e-mail that he sent me from work this morning.  I think it helps tie everything together and I hope you "get it" like he now does (again, for being a man, it's amazing!).    Thank you for understanding and caring for us-- and we love you, dearly!

Amy,
I know it's easy for me to say all this because I'm not going through what you are in the same way. But this is the absolute most appropriate time for you take care of yourself and Alex and not try to nurture everybody else's feelings. I agree that all the support and messages and phone calls we've received is overwhelming. But as I said, none of our friends will be upset if you do not email them back right away or pick up the phone. They would never want to contribute to throwing you into a state of exhaustion.

You need to listen to your heart, your body and me(!!!) and ease your desire to respond to every message or voice mail. In time, you'll be able to thank everybody if you'd like in your own way, but right now, that should not be where your focus lies. Your focus should be on your own feelings about Lydia as we mourn her loss. Your thoughts should be on Alex who needs his mom right now. Please, I'm begging you to take it slow. Post to the blog as your own outlet and communication to everybody. Don't spend time in an endless loop of "thanks you's" if it means that the loop is going to stress you out to the point of a breakdown.

I know it's hard for you to not show others your gratefulness. You are the type of person that thinks of others before yourself. Do you think in some way you may be frightened that if you don't respond to every message, Lydia's legacy will be diminished? Are you scared that an unanswered phone call is one more step towards others moving on while we remain in mourning? I don't have any answers to why you shouldn't think that way. But we will get to a point where we are able to accept all that has happened and live the rest of our lives remembering Lydia. But now is certainly not that time. It's too soon and we are in mourning. Working hard to keep other people focused on our loss is not your job right now.

You should not be worried that your unresponsiveness will lead to losing friends. Your friends have already shown they care about you. Their love and compassion can never be erased. I don't think any of our friends would ever turn their backs on us because they didn't receive enough thanks. We would never do that to someone. We surround ourselves with people that we are like and share common bonds with. You yourself would never expect anything from a friend were they in our situation.

I hope I'm not upsetting you more. Maybe I'm wrong about everything in this email. Maybe just a small part just makes sense and helps you. I don't know...I do know you are a strong person to get this far and that we will get through this and be closer to each other and love God more and love Lydia for the rest of our lives. But right now you need to take care of yourself and not try to facilitate, on your own, as many friendships as you can. Those friendships will grow over time in their own way.

I love you
-mike